Lily's Testimony: Finding Joy in Grief

Hello everyone! So, with the COVID-19 pandemic calming down for now, some of us bloggers decided to share a little bit about our lives and how they were affected during these crazy and unexpected times. But, more importantly, we wanted to share about how God has changed us during this time, because this is HIS plan, not ours. He is in control! Therefore, without further ado, I will share about my life, and hope that you can see God behind it all. I am not the center of this story. God is! 

This is me with a sweet little one that we welcomed into our home at the end of February 2020. His name is K (well, not really, but for privacy reasons his real name will not be included). K was our second foster care placement. He was 8 months old when he came into our home because of physical abuse. Sadly, we were not even the first home he was removed to; he had lived with two other temporary placements before he came to live with us. 

In case you aren’t familiar with foster care, our family was licensed last summer through the state. When children are removed for abuse or neglect, they are put into temporary foster homes until either the parents do what they need to do to get them back, or the parents’ parental rights are terminated and the children can be adopted. The state is required to search for a family placement first (i.e. grandparents or an aunt and uncle who are willing to take them in), but if they cannot find any applicable family members, they remove the child to a foster family; yes, complete strangers to the child. Isn’t that heartbreaking? 

K came to us about two and a half weeks before things began shutting down in our state. Back then, things with K were a handful. He had to have visits twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays with his mom, we were at our homeschool co-op the whole first part of the day on Tuesdays, and on Sundays we had church service. All these things took place right when his morning nap should be. It also messed with his afternoon nap, because he would sleep in the car on the way home from these activities, and then be wide awake when he needed to try to sleep again. One short nap on the go didn’t do it for this little guy. That left only Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays for a normal sleep pattern to occur. 

After about two and a half weeks of crazy, hectic, running back and forth time with K, things began to close. We were slightly worried: with three kids, a baby, and a dog in the house, we knew we could easily go stir-crazy staying in the house. Of course, we had plenty of games and toys for K, but there was only so much one could do to keep a baby happy in one spot. We had counted on the library, the mall play-place, or park playgrounds for a change of environment once in a while. We could still go walking on park trails, but K wasn’t happy if he stayed in his stroller for too long. 

But God had, as always, worked both blessings and curses into the situation, even ones that we couldn’t see right away. For example, we no longer had to worry about K’s nap schedule! He had a consistent nap schedule every day, and we wouldn’t have to worry about getting his things around for his visitations, or keeping him quiet at co-op. 

At first we thought he wouldn’t have any visitations at all with his mom. That would have been a very sad solution. Instead we found that something else was planned: video chats twice a week with his mom. 

With a 9-month-old??

As you can imagine, keeping K in front of the camera was a hard task. Now that he had finally learned to crawl, he was on the move all the time, and wasn’t very happy about having to sit still, even for the short fifteen to twenty minutes that the calls normally lasted. To us, they were a long fifteen minutes. But God had done this for a purpose, and yet again, he did not fail us. This way, we realised, we got to interact with his mom and know more about her. That knowledge helped us to know how to pray for her in the future. With our first foster placement, we really never met either of the parents, and it wasn’t until a long time after he left us that we got to know his mom a little bit. 

But it was always a sad situation, as well. We couldn’t even tell if K recognised that there was a person on the screen, let alone that it was his mom. Would he even remember his mom if he saw her? She might have been a stranger to him by then. 

In all of this, we needed God’s help sorely. K also had three siblings who were all living in different places, and one was very sick. None of them (all were three years of age or younger) were with their mother. They were just babies! What had any of them done to deserve this? 

We are all sinners, and the reason for our need of salvation is our sinful nature. We deserve death, and sickness, and pain, but God gives us life and happiness! We do not grieve without joy in Jesus Christ. 

Having a little one in our home brought so much joy! He would squeal happily, clap his tiny hands, and even try to sing along with us sometimes! He would point with his little index finger at whatever book we were reading to him, and made little noises. His giggles were the best! He had huge physical development, too: he learned to crawl and later pull himself up to a stand while he was with us! 

Our sadness came to its climax when K left us on May 4th, 2020. He went to live with his great-grandparents, whom we knew to be very nice, and we understood they would take good care of him. But it was one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do, and we won’t forget it any time soon. The house was all of a sudden empty of a laughing, cooing baby, and we often thought we heard his little cry and went to get him up from his nap before realising he wasn’t there. 

God, as always, was and is our comfort. When our parents left to drop K off at his great-grandparents’ house, my two younger siblings and I, sobbing and miserable, all huddled together to pray for K and his great-grandparents. And God gave us the strength we needed. The rest of the day was hard, and not without many tears, but we overcame our grief. 

Last week the whole family had the wonderful privilege of seeing K again at his 1st birthday party. We were filled with joy to know that he was happier than ever in his new home, and being well-cared for and loved. God had given us a beautiful chance to raise this little one for two whole months, and to watch his development. He had grown so much while he was with us.

As weeks, months, and years go by, we will probably see less and less of K and his new home. But God is helping me learn daily to find the joy in what blessings he gives! I’m so very thankful for the bond we made with K, and grateful for the huge journey that we took during it all. I’m praying that you all can find the joy as well! 

Have joy in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, too. He is your redeemer, and once he takes hold of you, he will never let you go.